What to do ...

And another relationship broken ... this time something that was out of my hands.

I feel frustrated, angry, betrayed - every emotion I don't want to represent. I try to stop myself for being angry about silly things, let alone things that are important.

I feel empty and lost. It's past bedtime but I know I won't be able to sleep. I stare at my screen and I don't know what to do.

I feel like writing down everything that's important - connections, emotions, alternatives. Keep my mind working on the broken puzzle.
---
But I'm not going to. I won't write down anything anymore. I won't try working out a deeper meaning. The sooner I'll be a working individual again.
An individual ...

A Drop For A Nightmare, An Ocean For Something Perfect

Last night I had my first nightmare since ten years or more. In my dream I fell asleep (yo dawg, Inception too distant for you? So I put a dream in your dream so you can sleep while you sleep) and something creepy got stuck into my head while I was sleeping. A horrifying resonance, something piercing that's inexplicable. I dreamt that it tortured me and that I couldn't wake up from it. I prayed someone would come wake me up, which my dad did eventually. I woke up in my old room, where I spent the first 18 years of my life. The fact that my dad woke me up in that house suggested that my parents were still married. As I gratefully escaped my horror dad told me how today, or that night, was a special day of bad things. He told me the whole house woke up, and how something bad was gonna happen to grandma tomorrow. He told me to go downstairs and lock the back door. It was eerie.

And there I am, laying awake in bed somewhere at night. A 21 year old kid who's afraid to go back to sleep because he might not get out of it again. The whole idea is weird. How does a dream tell me something bad is gonna happen with someone? Or was it a reference to my already deceased grandmother? I remember how the phone went at night to carry on bad news. My mom asked me if I had a lot on my mind, or if I was stressed. Maybe it was because of thursday since I stressed from wednesday 10 o clock till 3 o clock in the night, to go to bed without finding a solution to my programming code and continue on thursday 9 o clock, till 17:30. Not such a nice day. Anyway, after I woke up I decided to look up keys from my nightmare on Dreammoods:

Scream 
To hear or dream that someone is screaming, indicates that some friend or family member is in need of your help.


Great. That spices up my state of mind. But, today was my dad's birthday and he seemed fine. I saw my grandma, she seemed fine. My mom seemed fine, my sister seemed fine. Everything seems to be fine.
Ah, and then there's my girlfriend =]. I only need think about her and everything seems more than fine. 2010 ended with the beginning of something perfect. Tomorrow is the first day of my vacation and I can start on relaxing a bit more. In reality I'm just living my life to the point where I get on a train and get off right into the arms of someone special.

Five days and counting.
Five days and everything will be right again.

Queer

I feel queasy. Tonight I drove Joris home at I think the exact same as I did yesterday ... and as I took the same route back home, the same streetlight deactivated as I drived by, just like yesterday.
And somehow I've been feeling dizzy since a few hours. Time to hit the sack.

Go away!

Here I'm sitting at home in the evening, around 10 o clock, nice and comfy in my camping tuxedo.

Suddenly my doorbell goes.
I think "whoever could it be?" My door is already locked, my curtains already closed.
My front door screams "go away!"
In a ... figurative sense*, of course.

I open the curtains, and the door, and see two unknown people.
The male person says: "Good evening, we're from a Christian organisation and we were wondering if you would invite us in and have a nice chat with us."
Uhh ... how about nooooooo!
So I respond to them: "Erm, no I'm kinda busy with something, sorry."
(yeah busy getting you guys to go away.)

So I close the door and all was well again!

Conclusion: Christian people like to talk about God with people wearing pyjamas.
----

* how cool would it be if my door would actually scream "go away!" when people try to knock?!

God

"How will I define God?
Maybe God is what you are to me; a place confined to one soul reserved for moments rather kept outside our runtime environment. Maybe calling upon God in times of consolation is like writing a journal entry in a place where you are free to ponder over the words endlessly without someone watching over your shoulder. Then when you are satisfied with the words and its implications, you can go about your daily life once more, helped back on your way by God, who will hold on to your words until someday you might need them again. Which leads me to a, considered controversial or blasphemous even, conclusion; at the end of our lives we have created God. Yet how can I be blasphemous? For starters, my religious views are coherent with atheism and secondly I have paid my two cents by capitalizing 'His' name. From my point of view, religion is misinterpreted. Consider being at the peak of your life, the bonding phase of life where offspring tends to come about. Children, each with a yet undefined space, waiting to be filled by a life-long process which forms their God. Taking it even further... if we, their parents, create their God for them, their God will take the shape of our God, and God will have created God.
...and seeing as people have a natural drive to share spaces of intellect, it's not altogether surprising how religion came about."

Undirected complains are useless

People like to complain, people love to complain. Especially old people. Everytime I hear old people converse, they compete who has the most pains. Like no other old person suffers from a sore back or swollen feet. Now since I've developed this philosophy that undirected complains like those are useless and that people are much better off just being happy for a change, some kind of sadistic karma seems to bite me in the blubber. If anyone knows the cause of my windshield being broken all of a sudden I'd love to hear it.

Wuzzy

I am totally not resistant to alcohol ... everything is moving with delays.

Riiiiiiiight ,,, and now?

I feel weird. I've been going out and hanging around with friends all week lang. Now I'm home and I don't really know what to do. I feel like I should go somewhere, but I know I don't need to go anywhere.

Ahh this week really was awesome. I'm now the proud owner of a green Hyundai Excel and the feeling of freedom is really good. I hope it doesn't take more than a week before I can get into my car without smiling like a doofus. Tomorrow I have a test about differential equations, I hope I can ace it.

Ganbatte!

It occurred to me how misinterpreted the phrase "do your best" is, and why wouldn't it be? I mean, no one is ever doing their best, it could always be better. Still, there must be a physical limit at what a person can achieve while doing something, whatever that may be. Imagine doing for just once your 'best'. It would immediately set a benchmark for the limits of your skills ... scary.

Bored

I'm bored.

What should I do?

Frustrated Insomniac

Right, I just spent 5 hours trying to sleep in vain, cause the roommate I had is the most noisiest lumberyard at night I've ever heard! He's like a raging tornado kicking around in his sleeping bag until he finally falls asleep, and then he starts snoring with an amplitude which can not be muffled out with an 80% volume Porcupine Tree o_O

The only thing you can change about the past is the way you feel about it in the present

Waves & Electrostatics

Poooweeeeee!
Next tuesday I'll have my oral exam for Engineering of Complex Systems I. Exciting exciting!
Until now I've written summaries for regular wave theories and how to derive the wave equation. We will be treating at least one specific problem, "grandma's clothes line." I almost managed to solve it a second time but there's one thing I am missing somewhere which results in a -sign error.

Next semester will be prrrrretty cramped study experience I think.

Improperly impractical

How the hell did I manage to forget my glasses AND my contact case?!

Impractical sleep deprivation

I don't quite understand how the thing that's supposed to be the easiest thing ever, doing nothing, is supposed to be so hard. Is it because of something I did in my waking life for too long? Cause I couldn't stop thinking about emulsions ... >.<. It sucks. I had exactly the same thing last week, on sunday night as well. And I have ECS presentations on monday which are quite complicated. It's not practical.

I feel blah now.

Here we go!

Tomorrow it's back to school, I don't really mind anymore. I haven't done much useful in the holidays (my journal contains a lot of empty pages), but tomorrow I'm gonna meet school head on! Tum tada dum tada dum tada dum tada dum dum dummmmmm. Doink!

Happy New Year!

*Taken outside my aunt n uncle's house*

Automatitering

Do you people love those electronic boards at the busstop as well? You know, the ones that tell when the next buses are coming? It looks a bit like this (except then more Dutch of course)

Well, let me tell you a fun little story. Once upon an indeterminate time, namely approximately an hour ago, me and my sis were walking to the busstop. They had one of them new electronic timetable-board machine unit device apparatusses. While we walked to the busstop, the board said "+10 min." Great, so we had to wait 10 min longer. A minute later it said +11. Another minute later it said +12. Well you might've guessed by now that it said +15 after 5 minutes. So we figured out that the bus must've been standing still somewhere. My sis and I decided that we'd walk to the trainstation, where another bus leaves, since the apparently standing still one was the last one that would leave because it was late. So we walked towards the station. The thought of not having to wait in the cold for 15 minutes because of the awesome new electronic boards raced through my mind, and that's about the time that I hear a faint cry behind me. I turn around and see my sis pointing towards the bus passing the busstop and driving on.

Yeah.
Great.
Electronic timetables.

Jobs jobs jobs

Remembral: http://www.hansaone.com/ushome.php

These guys contacted me today on italki and are offering me a job for 20 euros an hour as a native Dutch-teacher. TWENTY!! Omg! Their website looks pretty professional and so did the mail they sent me.

I have to work tonight and I'm gonna talk to my boss and tell him that I want to quit. Then after the yearswitch, I'm going to change my week-OV into a weekend-OV. That'll save me some 40 euros a month. That brings me down to a netto 80 euros a month. Pouring juice and all the work I do there is fun, it really is ... but the stressing in order to get there is getting on my nerves. This quarter I should be in college till 17:30, and I have to leave for work at 18:05, considering I have to walk home which takes about 20 minutes, and I also want to eat something, since I won't be able to do so before 23:30, it's not really feasible. So I have to leave from college earlier.

Last year it was much better, they weren't being so shitty with dumb rules about everything back then. Then again ... I didn't spend a whole lot of time on studying last year ...

I want to do good, for a change.

Oh, by the way, I got your letter Stéph! =] I really liked it, especially the Queen of England comic hahaha xD. Thank you. =]

OYEAH!

I found out I passed the Quantum Phenomena course today! :-D This means that until now I've passed 4 of the 5 tests that I've took! I haven't had the results from Engineering I yet, so I'm anxiously waiting to hear that I've passed them all (I so hope so ... I've attempted to pass it 5 times now o_O)

Oh man, I'm so happy!