What to do ...

And another relationship broken ... this time something that was out of my hands.

I feel frustrated, angry, betrayed - every emotion I don't want to represent. I try to stop myself for being angry about silly things, let alone things that are important.

I feel empty and lost. It's past bedtime but I know I won't be able to sleep. I stare at my screen and I don't know what to do.

I feel like writing down everything that's important - connections, emotions, alternatives. Keep my mind working on the broken puzzle.
---
But I'm not going to. I won't write down anything anymore. I won't try working out a deeper meaning. The sooner I'll be a working individual again.
An individual ...

A Drop For A Nightmare, An Ocean For Something Perfect

Last night I had my first nightmare since ten years or more. In my dream I fell asleep (yo dawg, Inception too distant for you? So I put a dream in your dream so you can sleep while you sleep) and something creepy got stuck into my head while I was sleeping. A horrifying resonance, something piercing that's inexplicable. I dreamt that it tortured me and that I couldn't wake up from it. I prayed someone would come wake me up, which my dad did eventually. I woke up in my old room, where I spent the first 18 years of my life. The fact that my dad woke me up in that house suggested that my parents were still married. As I gratefully escaped my horror dad told me how today, or that night, was a special day of bad things. He told me the whole house woke up, and how something bad was gonna happen to grandma tomorrow. He told me to go downstairs and lock the back door. It was eerie.

And there I am, laying awake in bed somewhere at night. A 21 year old kid who's afraid to go back to sleep because he might not get out of it again. The whole idea is weird. How does a dream tell me something bad is gonna happen with someone? Or was it a reference to my already deceased grandmother? I remember how the phone went at night to carry on bad news. My mom asked me if I had a lot on my mind, or if I was stressed. Maybe it was because of thursday since I stressed from wednesday 10 o clock till 3 o clock in the night, to go to bed without finding a solution to my programming code and continue on thursday 9 o clock, till 17:30. Not such a nice day. Anyway, after I woke up I decided to look up keys from my nightmare on Dreammoods:

Scream 
To hear or dream that someone is screaming, indicates that some friend or family member is in need of your help.


Great. That spices up my state of mind. But, today was my dad's birthday and he seemed fine. I saw my grandma, she seemed fine. My mom seemed fine, my sister seemed fine. Everything seems to be fine.
Ah, and then there's my girlfriend =]. I only need think about her and everything seems more than fine. 2010 ended with the beginning of something perfect. Tomorrow is the first day of my vacation and I can start on relaxing a bit more. In reality I'm just living my life to the point where I get on a train and get off right into the arms of someone special.

Five days and counting.
Five days and everything will be right again.